I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
cat food counts as protein by the way
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
