: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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