I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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