Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
