I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
