I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i wish my penis had a tongue
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
