My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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