you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
What happened to fro yo and sex?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
