having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I party with great urgency now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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