I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The air taste purple.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
