my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
