Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
