What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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