I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
