I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
