Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
