Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
