if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
