Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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