but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
