I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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