y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Come on in and take your pants off
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