I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
