I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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