I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
