Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
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