You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
