My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
