I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
