matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
