i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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