thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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