Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
