I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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