the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
