Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
