My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
