we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
