I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
