I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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