I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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