Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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