i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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