she was so not down for the gang bang
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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