There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
