I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
