My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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