i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
