If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
