so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
