My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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