The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize