I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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