She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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