nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
