really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
