I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
