looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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