dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
