Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
