life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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