Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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