After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
