I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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