i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
