Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
