im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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