I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
