Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize